Here, Have Some Pot
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: Crack fic, sorta. Myrnin goes to Oliver and reveals he knows how he loves Amelie.


**Written for Hanzii who gave me the inspiration from our Facebook message conversation about these two – sorta xD**

**set… well… it doesn't really fit with the books, I don't think… as Sam is alive… but Ada has gone poof… and they're all happy… so it doesn't fit… it's an AU, k? **

**Sorta crack… but sorta not… if that makes sense. So the character bashing sorta doesn't count because I said it was partially crack…**

**I don't own anything…**

He tosses an apple up and down in the air, noting how each time he does; Oliver's face hardens even further. So, to test the annoying Oliver theory, he decides to get more comfortable in this hard and disgusting office chair – Oliver needs to invest in better furniture rather than buying more and more of the tie dye clothing – so swings his legs over the side. The casual stance in his office finally pushes Oliver over the edge so far that he looks positively crazy… or he would, without the tie dye…

"Myrnin, if you do not tell me your purpose here, I _will_ kill you," he hisses at the mad scientist in his chair. "I have been courteous so far and allowed you to sit there without telling me… I even allowed you to touch my _food…_ but this is too far!"

Myrnin stays quiet for another minute, knowing how it infuriates Oliver when he doesn't tell him straight away. Then he stands up and tries to imitate the old Sherlock Holmes when he is revealing everything he knows about the case, what he deduced from the most insignificant of facts.

"I know," he says in the most infuriatingly (for Oliver) know it all voice that has ever existed. It reveals his pride at this simple fact he knows something Oliver doesn't… or something that he thinks is important and Oliver knows but doesn't really recognise. It doesn't really matter – he's still using the tone.

"You know _what_, Myrnin?" Oliver asks, exasperated. He pinches the bridge of his nose and settles back down in his chair, entirely exhausted with the boundless man in front of him, the one who knows no limits. "You know that we live in Morganville. You know that you love Claire. You know that you are the single most _irritating_ man in the world. Please, Myrnin, enlighten me… I can't bear the suspense any longer," he sighs, unable to be sarcastic when he is just so _sick_ of Myrnin. It makes him want to cry – but on the inside. He could never betray such emotion to Myrnin.

"Of course not… and my love for Claire is beside the point," Myrnin says, sounding dismissive of the point about him – it's _Oliver_ he is focusing on. "No, I know that you love Amelie," he bursts out with a huge grin on his face.

This, however, revives Oliver from his state of near comatosis and makes him look at Myrnin with a sense of disbelief. _How did he know that_? Oliver thinks to himself, before deciding that it isn't the time to debate it internally.

Myrnin stares at him with a huge smirk on his face, a know it all expression of joy and boasting that he knew something so secret. Well, not really – he had known for _ages_ and it is pretty obvious to everyone in the town… well, besides Amelie. She still loves Sam and is indifferent to Oliver's little advances which aren't very obvious really.

"Tell me, Myrnin, what your drugs are this week," Oliver finally replies, calmly but with anger simmering underneath. "Is it a mix of crack cocaine, _mind your own business_, and _what planet are you on_?" he continues, snorting at his own humour before sobering up when he remembers that Myrnin is still around.

"Oh no, simply pot," Myrnin shrugs, deadpan serious. "But there is a little of the mind your own business in there as well, which shows to me how you actually_ do_ have feelings for my oldest friend as you didn't vehemently deny it."

"But if I _had_ denied it, you would have ignored me anyway," Oliver points out; sinking even deeper internally as he realises that all Myrnin wanted was definite confirmation of his love for Amelie.

"AHA!" he cries, throwing the apple in the air in glee. Unfortunately, it seems to connect with the ceiling fan with a _bit_ too much force and wedges itself in there. "Damn… it seems I owe you a new fan… but I'm sure that Amelie would be happy to oblige!" he smirks again and Oliver covers his head unhappily.

Myrnin digs around in his pocket and finds his joint pipe which he promptly lights. He then takes a huge drag from it and relaxes his body as the pot goes through his body.

"I can't believe that you know – how do you know?" Oliver agonises, already beginning to cry.

The hunky scientist pretends to ignore this utter lack of manliness before shrugging. "I could tell instantly. I can tell you now, don't go in the whole MI5 gig cause you would probably give up our country's secrets in less than a second," he suggests, laughing slightly.

"It is _funny_, idiot!" Oliver snaps at him, lifting his head and betraying his teary eyes. "Do you think that this is why Sam is always in here? To make sure I am not getting my claws into 'his girl'?" he even makes the little air quotes around 'his girl' to show how absurd he thinks that that is.

"Dunno," Myrnin shrugs, having not contemplated this avenue of thought. "But I know that she loves him, not you," he can't resist but hurting Oliver gleefully.

Oliver's eyes cloud over again and he bursts into huge sobs, which rack his entire frame. After a long moment of hesitation, Myrnin moves over and pats him on the shoulder, unable to give him comfort because he doesn't like him and he only told him that he knew about his feelings to show how he knows _everything_. Oh, and to make Oliver really depressed because Amelie wouldn't want to be with him…

"Why does she not want to be with me?" Oliver moans into his hands, wanting an answer but not wanting one from Myrnin at the same time…

"You smell… and your hair is really greasy… and grey," Myrnin replies truthfully. "You're a bully and you keep trying to steal her power as if it was a piece of lego and you're a child. Oh and you look old… Sam is about her age physically and they make a cute couple, as the kids'd say… you'd just look like a paedophile with her," he continues, rubbing his metaphorical hands in his head gleefully at the way he is getting to hurt Oliver. His _actual_ hands are on the pipe in his hand which he takes another huge drag of – the beauties of drugs!

"Whaaa!" Oliver wails, obviously unable to take these home truths from Myrnin.

"Here, have some of this," Myrnin says, unable to put up with the screaming. He thrusts the pipe into Oliver's mouth as if it was a dummy for a baby before smiling. "We're even now, right, with the whole fan thing? Good!" he says before walking out of the room without another word.

He enters the café and sees every vampire in the place, including Sam, looking in his direction.

Oops… he forgot to shut the door on his way in!

**Whatcha think?**

**Please review!**

**It turned sorta crackish… but, yano, when I came up with the idea it was meant to be serious… I just sorta got hooked on the whole humour thing… and the word 'sorta'**

**Vicky xx **


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